October has begun

And I don’t miss you anymore

I mean I do miss the good times we had

And how safe you made me feel

I miss having you as my person

I had never committed to someone like that

Invested so much

And poured so much water on our flowers

My therapist asked me why I keep making the same mistakes

Is it because I keep dating Muslim men?

With different values? 

Who don’t see me the same as I see myself?

Because I learned your religion and participated as much as I could

But I never wanted to pray, eat, or convene separately

I wanted to do everything together 

I thought you were more westernized

Knew who I was before we started dating

Did you try to change me?

I already told you I wasn’t going to drop all my friends again for a man

I was not going to compromise myself again

Sacrifice who I am again

For anyone

 

But I feel okay without you

I get to watch what I want

And I sleep better because it’s quieter

I drink less because I have to drive more

I’ve been working out again because you stopped going with me

I’ve been eating better because I cook instead of getting takeout with you

I’m seeing more of my friends because I’m not waiting for you to come home

Speaking of home

I feel pretty good about no longer being yours

I think part of you will always see me as your home

Because I supported you 100%

And I know you felt safe with me too

I did so much for you, but you know that

I don’t have to write your papers anymore

Or pick you up from a car charging station

Or buy extra groceries for you

Or make clothes and paintings for you

Or plan all of our dates

Or schedule your therapy appointments

Or update your LinkedIn 

Or apply for scholarships for you

Or let you play video games without speaking to me 

Or wait for you to respond to my messages

Or call you when I need help and only sometimes did you show up

Our friends told me I didn’t lose much

But they said you did

And I think you know that

I think you know that I carried most of our relationship

You didn’t put the communication or the work in

Not when things got hard

But that’s okay

You’ll learn down the line

Or you won’t

But it’s your life, not mine

 

SC